My hearts a racin'...

Today was the day!!  The day I was to give my testimony in my Connections class at church.  I was actually looking forward to writing it all out and sharing my story. I started working on it almost 2 weeks ago.  When I first started writing it my thoughts were quick and my hands seemed to have it typed out before I had time to finish my thought. I was only about 5 or 6 sentences into it when the tears started and just like that, the thoughts that started coming so easily, stopped just as abruptly.  I was stumped, I couldn't write anymore.  I'm sure many that have given their testimony could possibly relate to what I'm talking about. Sometimes it's hard enough to be honest with ourselves, let alone to be so transparent with people you are just getting to know.  I could write what I wanted to say, but would I be able to read it out loud in front of 12 other people or even 1 for that matter?  Each day this past week I told myself I had to get working on it, but the procrastinator in me kept putting it off. That's what I told myself anyway, I think it was actually me not wanting to face it. I didn't want to spill my guts out on a piece of paper knowing I would have to share what I wrote.

Ugh!!  Fine!!  I have to do this.  I need to do this.  Finally Saturday night, I sat down to finish my story.  The short version of course.  Man oh man, this was harder then I ever dreamed it would be.  I could have skipped part of it, but the part that I wanted to skip would help explain why I was the way I was.  That part of the story was where the scars in me first developed.  I couldn't skip it, I had to share it.

Sunday morning worship service was great as usual.  As he so often does, Pastor Mike spoke directly to me.  I really wish he would quit doing that, people are gonna start to talk. Have I mentioned that I tend to tear up pretty easily these days?  Goodness, I remember priding myself on being this super strong (ha) woman who rarely ever cried (which I've learned is nothing to brag about). Anywho...sometimes it's just tearing up, sometimes it's crying and sometimes it's down right bawling my eyes out.  It's not usually out of sadness, unless I'm praying. Then by golly, I'm probably crying because I'm praying for YOU!  God is constantly moving me in someway or another.  I feel it, I sense it, I see it.  That's what gets me to tearing up.  In Connections class a couple of weeks ago I asked, "When did I get to be such a cry baby?" They laughed, cause they get it. :)   "Alright God, I get it, but can I please have just one day, one Sunday without smearing my mascara?"

My heart is pounding! I'm praying. I'd seriously like to pass out right now!! I'm praying more.  I can't read, I can hardly breath!! I'm praying harder!! Oh no, it's my turn!!  "I'm a bundle of nerves," I tell them.  She stops me right there and ask one of the ladies to pray for me.  I listen...I take a deep breath...followed by several more.  I think I need a paper bag to breath in.  Exhale, here I go.  Boy oh boy, did the tears start to come, but I kept reading.  I was so nervous I had to read it or I would have been all over the place. I did it!! I'm done!!  Whew!!  I was so glad I went first, otherwise I probably would have passed out from my nerves by the time it was my turn. Without a doubt in my mind, I knew not one of them in there thought any less of me for what they heard in my story.

"Pride is often used as a way to protect our hearts and to hide the truth.  Pride causes us to shut down and build walls."

Do you realize what is less then a week away? INDIA baby!!  Can I get a woot-woot?!!  Oh wow it's sneaking up on me,  you may not hear from me for awhile.

Till we meet again...Be YOUtiful and have amazing days!! :)

Mark 5:19 (NIV) ...Jesus said, “Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.”