I AM who God says I am

The more I went against His will the less I talked to Him. My prayers became shorter, far less frequent and almost rehearsed. I didn’t put my heart into my prayers because I no longer had faith that they would be answered. Week after week my Bible sat in the same place, unopened. I knew what I needed to do and what I needed to pray for, but I continued to ignore it. Fat chance any blessings would come my way since I was knowingly and willingly going against His teachings and what I had so strongly come to believe in. My desire to please Him was no longer my first priority. My flesh failed me and my heart quickly followed. Now more than ever His grace and mercy were undeserving.

Isolating myself from others has always been a struggle of mine, but now I found that I was isolating myself from God. It took me 43 years to finally give in and let God into my life. Until that point I didn’t want to live His way, so I didn’t. Simple enough. Believing in God and His Word wasn't a problem. The problem was I knew it took more than that to be a Christian, so as long as I didn't take the plunge I didn’t have to live with any guilt of following my ways instead of His. Quite frankly, I had no desire to give up living life my way. I loved God, I just preferred to do it at a distance.

In May of 2012 I gave up and told God, “Take it! All of it. All of me. I can’t and don’t want to do it on my own anymore.” That day changed me for the rest of my life. I was overwhelmed with His love and the peace that He gave me.  I knew I had finally found what I was looking for.

...and then, it happened.

It didn’t happen all at once, but eventually I realized I had fallen. FallIen farther than I ever thought I would (no, there's no body buried in my backyard). Little by little I started compromising what I had so strongly come to believe in. Instead of becoming more of who God created me to be, I was becoming less of who He created me to be. I couldn't even stand the girl I saw in the mirror anymore. Guilt consumed me. There was no way of hiding who I was becoming from God, so instead I found myself trying to justify what I was doing.  I even started to believe that the woman I was months before wasn’t really who God meant for me to be. Making myself believe that I wasn’t meant to be “her.” No longer was I all in with God. It’s sad what we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better about our behavior. The old me didn't stress about letting Him down. This me found it unbearable. The guilt of the choices I was making was tearing me apart. I felt like I was cheating! Cheating on God. I hope you have no idea how awful that feels. I made a commitment to Him and I didn’t do that lightly. But when my temptations started arising, I chose my way, the easy way, and I shut Him out. I chose not to talk to Him about my sins, because I knew what He would say and I didn’t want to hear it. 

Maybe none of this makes sense to you, and maybe it’ll only make sense to those that have been where I was.  Life is all about choices and compromising, but please don’t ever compromise your faith. Don’t ever convince yourself that the man or woman that you are becoming in Christ isn’t really who you are meant to be. Don't believe the lies of the enemy. He knows our weaknesses and he knows when to attack. Without the Lord I am so very weak!  Don’t do what I did and convince yourself that maybe you’re not meant to be a Christian on fire and settle for being a luke-warm Christian. Be hot or be cold and don’t settle for anything in-between. No one wants a mediocre relationship and no one deserves that, especially God.  He understands temptations and I believe even sheds a tear when we start to lose our way, but each and every time He welcomes us home with open arms. There's always a way back, but the longer we wait, the harder it is.  No one ever said the road to Heaven would be easy, but there's not a doubt in my mind it'll be worth it.

Peace out my brothers and sisters!
Love out Loud! 

Romans 7:22-25
My mind and heart agree with the Law of God. But there is a different law at work deep inside of me that fights with my mind. This law of sin holds me in its power because sin is still in me. There is no happiness in me! Who can set me free from my sinful old self? God’s Law has power over my mind, but sin still has power over my sinful old self. I thank God I can be free through Jesus Christ our Lord! 

Revelation 3:15-16

I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!     

Never Believe the Lies

It's been almost a year since I've been on here.  So much has happened, but at the same time nothing has happened.  I ended last year single, looking for a job, recovering from surgery and wondering where I went wrong.  I'm about to end this year single, looking for a job, recovering from surgery and wondering where I went wrong.

Twice in the last couple of weeks while sitting at the kitchen table doing my devotions, I gave up. I grabbed my coffee, walked out to the living room, sat down on the couch with only the lights from the Christmas tree, and poured it all out to God.  As soon as the words, "Good morning God," came out of my mouth, the tears started flowing. I was mad, I was sad, upset and lonely, but most of all I was tired.  Tired of going through life alone.

Without a doubt I know God has a plan (and possibly a man) for my life. On some days though the lies creep in. You see I have this little demon on my shoulder, one who thoroughly enjoys bringing me down.  He (yes, it's a he) tells me that I'm not good enough, that I'm physically falling apart, that I struggle to make ends meet, I have a "job", not a career, I'm not pretty enough, my track record with men isn't the greatest and he says God isn't going to give me another chance at a relationship. This is just the start of his lies, but thankfully I have an angel on the other shoulder. Let me tell you, she's got her work cut out for her.  She's a fighter though and she usually wins.  But on my darkest days I can hardly hear her and I begin to believe the lies.


I'm not sure why the feelings of loneliness have been so bothersome lately. I'm sure a lot of it is the holidays. Maybe it's because I'm about to have my 5th surgery in less than 2 years and once again I'll be dropped off at home, alone. Oh how I would love to have a hubby around to baby me, just for a little bit. Or maybe it's because I have this adorable little grandbaby and every time she does something fun or cute I look around for someone to share it with and realize it's just me. No grandpa, just grandma. Or it could be because I've been craving an artery clogging juicy cheeseburger and bottomless fries from Red Robin and I know I'm going to need someone to wipe my chin and roll me out when I'm done devouring this sinful treat.  I suppose it could also be because I have this longing to have someone walk beside me to share my faith with.  Recently we had our Christmas service at church. Although it was a great service, I had to fight myself to not get up and walk out. I was surrounded by hundreds of people, yet I had never felt more alone than I did at that moment.  To top it off my eyes started leaking.  Ugh, I hate that! I seriously wanted to grab my purse and run.  I suppose another reason could be because I've been off work for over 3 weeks and I've had plenty of time to look around and realize I'm alone. What I eat, what I watch, what I do, even if I decide to get dressed for the day, that's all up to me. As enticing as that may sound to some of you, trust me, it's not all that. As much as I enjoy my alone time, I wouldn't mind tackling the task of learning to share my life with that special someone.

I'm not looking for attention, compliments or sympathy. It isn't easy for me to share this part of myself and trust me, there are plenty of people I wish I could keep from reading this. I'm sharing because I know I'm not the only one that fights these feelings of loneliness.  We live in a world where so many people hide their feelings and wear a mask to hide who we really are. It's okay to feel this way though, even Jesus felt loneliness.  We just have to know how and when to pick ourselves back up. Reading through Psalms is always a great start for me.

Even though we get lonely, we are never alone. Our Lord, Our Savior, is always, always right there with us.  Sometimes He's walking beside us, sometimes He's carrying us when the burdens of life are weighing us down, and other times He's sitting patiently beside us waiting for us to acknowledge Him. We live in a crazy, fast-paced, instant gratification world. We want everything now! We look for comfort in things or in people, but the only true place we will find the love we desire and the peace we crave, is to truly walk with Jesus. Not just to believe in Him, but to take the time to get to know Him and spend time with Him. I've always loved my devotion time in the quietness of the mornings, but I've been slowly getting away from that.  When I slack, I notice a difference in myself and not a good one.  I'd still sit at the kitchen table with my coffee and sometimes read my devotions, sometimes just open the book and not actually read it.  It was then that I realized I had too many
distractions.  Mainly, Facebook. My mind is a jumbled up mess enough as it is, so I didn't need any help losing focus. I knew it was time to train myself all over again and get back to my old habits. I decided it was time to temporarily deactivate my FB. My first love is my relationship with Christ and when I put my time with Him on the back burner, everything in me suffers. I wouldn't leave the house without spending time with my spouse or giving him a kiss goodbye, so I shouldn't leave or start my day without time with Jesus either.

I read somewhere that when we get lonely we should treat it like a severe allergic reaction.  Grab an epi-pen and give ourselves a shot of truth. Go to your Bible, go to God in prayer, or reach out to another believer. One that you trust and that's not afraid to speak truth into you. Or in other cases, raise your hand up to your shoulder and push that little demon right off. Stomping on him wouldn't be a bad idea either. Either way, the best cure for loneliness is having an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ.

I trust you Jesus.  I trust your plan for my life and I trust in your timing.
Have a great day and Be YOUtiful!! :)

"Make time for the quiet moments as God whispers and the rest of the world is loud."

Psalm 62:1-2
My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

Yo! Check this out! :)
http://youtu.be/Zlw3jG2pE8w