My hearts a racin'...

Today was the day!!  The day I was to give my testimony in my Connections class at church.  I was actually looking forward to writing it all out and sharing my story. I started working on it almost 2 weeks ago.  When I first started writing it my thoughts were quick and my hands seemed to have it typed out before I had time to finish my thought. I was only about 5 or 6 sentences into it when the tears started and just like that, the thoughts that started coming so easily, stopped just as abruptly.  I was stumped, I couldn't write anymore.  I'm sure many that have given their testimony could possibly relate to what I'm talking about. Sometimes it's hard enough to be honest with ourselves, let alone to be so transparent with people you are just getting to know.  I could write what I wanted to say, but would I be able to read it out loud in front of 12 other people or even 1 for that matter?  Each day this past week I told myself I had to get working on it, but the procrastinator in me kept putting it off. That's what I told myself anyway, I think it was actually me not wanting to face it. I didn't want to spill my guts out on a piece of paper knowing I would have to share what I wrote.

Ugh!!  Fine!!  I have to do this.  I need to do this.  Finally Saturday night, I sat down to finish my story.  The short version of course.  Man oh man, this was harder then I ever dreamed it would be.  I could have skipped part of it, but the part that I wanted to skip would help explain why I was the way I was.  That part of the story was where the scars in me first developed.  I couldn't skip it, I had to share it.

Sunday morning worship service was great as usual.  As he so often does, Pastor Mike spoke directly to me.  I really wish he would quit doing that, people are gonna start to talk. Have I mentioned that I tend to tear up pretty easily these days?  Goodness, I remember priding myself on being this super strong (ha) woman who rarely ever cried (which I've learned is nothing to brag about). Anywho...sometimes it's just tearing up, sometimes it's crying and sometimes it's down right bawling my eyes out.  It's not usually out of sadness, unless I'm praying. Then by golly, I'm probably crying because I'm praying for YOU!  God is constantly moving me in someway or another.  I feel it, I sense it, I see it.  That's what gets me to tearing up.  In Connections class a couple of weeks ago I asked, "When did I get to be such a cry baby?" They laughed, cause they get it. :)   "Alright God, I get it, but can I please have just one day, one Sunday without smearing my mascara?"

My heart is pounding! I'm praying. I'd seriously like to pass out right now!! I'm praying more.  I can't read, I can hardly breath!! I'm praying harder!! Oh no, it's my turn!!  "I'm a bundle of nerves," I tell them.  She stops me right there and ask one of the ladies to pray for me.  I listen...I take a deep breath...followed by several more.  I think I need a paper bag to breath in.  Exhale, here I go.  Boy oh boy, did the tears start to come, but I kept reading.  I was so nervous I had to read it or I would have been all over the place. I did it!! I'm done!!  Whew!!  I was so glad I went first, otherwise I probably would have passed out from my nerves by the time it was my turn. Without a doubt in my mind, I knew not one of them in there thought any less of me for what they heard in my story.

"Pride is often used as a way to protect our hearts and to hide the truth.  Pride causes us to shut down and build walls."

Do you realize what is less then a week away? INDIA baby!!  Can I get a woot-woot?!!  Oh wow it's sneaking up on me,  you may not hear from me for awhile.

Till we meet again...Be YOUtiful and have amazing days!! :)

Mark 5:19 (NIV) ...Jesus said, “Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.”

My amusement park...

Welcome to what I should now call, My Diary...

Do you ever wonder how we can, or why do we, experience so many emotions in such a short time frame? I had a fantastic week and saw God working in my life in so many ways.  One example: A couple of weeks ago I was asked by a friend of mine that owns a bar, if I was interested in working for her a night or two on the weekend.  I've worked for her in the past when she knew she was going to have a busy night and would need the extra help. Initially I thought it would be great.  I would love the extra money. I'm still a child in so many ways when it comes to being a Christian, so I reached out to a Christian friend of mine for advice.  I sent her a message to get her opinion, but before getting back with me I came up with my answer.  Sometimes we just need quiet time with God to find our answers.  Extra money or not, I knew I had to turn the job offer down.  After talking with God about it, my answer became very clear.  Sometimes we have, ...aha moments...well this was one of those, ...duh...moments. It's pretty simple really, I have come to far and changed to much, to do anything to jeopardize that or tempt me in ways that I can avoid. Whatever do you mean Stephanie? :)   Well...when I made a commitment to follow Jesus, I knew there were things that I would have to give up.  I wasn't able to give them all up at once, somethings I am still, and will possibly always have to work on I'm sure.  If I were to work in a bar every weekend I would be tempted to smoke again, I would be tempted to sit around after work and have a drink or two or several with friends and maybe even more then that, there may be a cutie patootie that becomes interested in me and I become interested in him and before I know it I'm falling for a man that's not a Christian. Nope, not going to happen.  I know my limits. I also cared about how it would look to others, including my kids and also non-Christians, by me working in a bar. Turning down the job was the right decision. I knew God would provide. Now you may be wondering where this is all going.  Well, all this happened on a Monday.  The very next day I get another call for a job interview. I really hadn't even thought about a job with this company since I first applied with them OVER 8 months ago. Huh, is God trying to tell me something here?  Long story short, I went in for an interview, they loved me (of course, hehe) and offered me the job, which by the way, ended up being more then I had hoped for. Some of you may have heard me say this already, but this job is amazingly perfect for me!! So turning down one job and almost immediately being offered another, is just one way of how God has been working in my life lately.

So that was the upside of my emotional roller-coaster.  The downside, or self-pity side, happened as recently as today.  I love my church and really look forward to going each week.  Heck, by Sunday evening I'm already anxiously waiting for next Sunday to arrive. Not going doesn't even cross my mind anymore. In fact, not being there for 2 weeks in a row while I'm in India bums me out. I will definitely have to watch the podcast when I get home.  Anyway, I don't mind at all walking in alone or even sitting alone anymore, but today for some reason, I notice all the couples, all the families. Am I the only one here by myself? No biggie, I pushed the thought aside and enjoyed a great worship service, as it always is at Pine Hills. I'm still in the Connections class at church during the 11am service.  We're working on our testimonies, which has been harder for me then I thought it would be.  As much as I love this class and really enjoy the people in the class, I still have trust issues and I'm not real sure how much I'm ready to divulge. That's a story for another day.  As I'm listening to some of the testimonies I realize once again, how much I've missed out on by being a slacker and not making God center of my life before now. Then I look at the love and support that I see in the couples there and admittingly I become a little envious. Had I made this commitment 20 years ago or so, I wouldn't have had all the failed relationships that I've had. At times, guilt of how I lived my past still creep in and haunt me. Today was one of those days. I have to continue to remind myself that because of God's grace, I AM worthy and because of His mercy I AM forgiven. Did I get that right?  I often confuse the two, lol.  :) 

So with all that being said, I will continue to do my best to not live in the past, to not let the guilt of my past regrets get me down.  I'm living now, I'm living for God and I can't begin to express how excited I am about that. I'm happy, I'm content and I'm at peace!!  All I can do now is share my joy, my passion for God and my love of being a follower of Christ. By the way...I continue to share and choose to share the things that I do share on this blog because maybe, just maybe, someone that reads this has or is experiencing the same thing. 

Wowzers!!  2 weeks from today I'll be on my way to India!!  Speaking of, here is a link to the girls orphanage that we will be going to. http://www.homeofloveindia.com/

Till next time...Be great...Be YOUtiful...Have a fantastic week!! 

Hebrews 4:16,  Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Psalm 23:6, Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,and I will dwell in the house of the Lord  forever.