I recently took a stroll down memory lane on my Facebook timeline. I got there by accident, but ended up sticking around and reading some of my post from my first days on fb in '09, till mid-2012. I didn't even recognize that girl, but must admit I miss her! She was funny, perverted, loud and reckless. She loved life, men, sex and drinking. She enjoyed hanging out with friends, playing poker and going to bars. She was shy, but flirtatious. She knew how to have a good time, but for everything she thought she had, she lacked more. She lacked self-respect, self-esteem and had no clue what unconditional love in a relationship was. Many more times than she would like to admit she thought she found love, thought she found who and what she wanted and needed. Each time she found it, she was sure it was going to be her last. Love came easy for her. She'd fall in love fast and hard and always jump right in feet first, or maybe that was heart first.
Life was easier. Life was carefree. She had a lot of friends, she didn't have awkward moments with family and getting a date was never a problem, but...
Life.was.less. She was lost, lonely, broken, damaged, wounded, used and abused. She didn't love herself, yet wanted others to love her. She was proud and controlling, she was selfish and angry, she was hard and bitter. When she did receive love she would eventually reject it and walk away from it, leaving that person broken, confused and rejected. She certainly wasn't up for any mom of the year award either.
After 43 years of attempting to make life work, the only thing she seemed to be good at was failing. Failed marriages, failed relationships, failing her family and her kids, failing herself, failing at life! All she wanted to do was throw in the towel and quit...and that's exactly what she did. She quit!
She quit living life her way. Before she was born she had the love of her life pursuing her. She was being pursued by the one who loved her more than anyone could even imagine. What she longed for in life, what she craved in a relationship was right there in front of her the whole time. She didn't want it, she couldn't run from it fast enough, she rejected that love over and over and over again. That love was God's love. That love is God's love.
I quit! I quit running. I quit rejecting Him. I opened my heart to God and His love. Love that would never fail me, never disappoint me, never not have enough time for me and never tell me one thing and do another. He found me right where I was and called me by name. Do you understand what I just said? In all my filth, dirt and grime, in all my guilt and shame, HE called me! He called me because He wanted me! The King of Kings, Almighty God, Lord above all things...yeah that ONE! My Savior! HE called ME to follow HIM and He even called me princess! Not only did He pick me up and brush me off, He washed away my sins, cleansed me from the inside out and made me whiter than snow. He made me brand spankin' new! He loves me so much He died for me. ME! I can't get over that. His scars brought healing to my wounds and because of His undying, everlasting love, my wounds are now healed and those wounds have become beautiful scars. Scars that I don't have to be ashamed of. Scars to remind me of what I once was, but was able to overcome because of my Heavenly Father never giving up on me.
That girl I once knew is gone. She faded about 20 months ago and my last glimpse of her was about 17 months ago. Don't get me wrong it's not always rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes I miss her. Every once in awhile I crave the taste of alcohol and the freedom that I felt at those moments. Sometimes I even miss the ease of sliding into a relationship with a man. That girl had a mind of her own though and stubbornness like that got me nowhere quick.
No matter what I had (thought I had anyway) that I lost, I gained way more than I could have ever imagined. I gained love that I've always longed for, peace that I never even knew existed, love and support from family and friends and so many new friends. Friends that love me, walk with me, teach me, grow with me, strengthen me, support me and even hold me accountable! Yes, even that last one pleases me. Lord willing I'll even have a Christ centered marriage someday. That's the only kind of marriage I'll have mind you. I've learned patience and humility. I've learned so many things in this past year and a half. I've learned to quit trying to do things my way and give it ALL to Him. He's in control and everything is done in His timing, His way not mine. I now know what I could have missed out on had I never been obedient by answering His call to follow Him. Of all the things I've gained, the one thing that I treasure the most, that no one can ever take away from me is...eternal life. I can't even begin to try and explain how excited it makes me feel to know that someday I will see Jesus, my Father, face to face and spend every moment of my days with Him. That just blows my mind!
Dare I say...till next time, since it's been 6 months since the last one. Be YOUtiful and Have a blessed day!
"We don't have to clean up our act to follow Jesus. He'll do the cleaning up for us." -Pastor Michael Drury
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds
Watch this music video if you have time. It says a lot about what I just wrote and it's FUN!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJFA5Bitv7w
No comments:
Post a Comment